last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
