Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
