Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
