i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
