the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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