Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
