So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Sorry about my life...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
