cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize