You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
it was like eating out sand paper
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
