so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
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Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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