she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
