The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
