Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
