Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
