Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
