Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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