I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
