My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
