two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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