She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
