my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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