Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again