I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
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He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
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Another day, another engagement, another cat
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.