i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.