i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
