I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We named our party play list daddy issues
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
