This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He shit in the fireplace
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
