Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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