There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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