this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Randomize
