2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
