On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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