i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
