Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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