3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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