it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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