Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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