At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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