Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize