The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
