i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
So squirting runs in the family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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