omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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