Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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