i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
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The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
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I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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