my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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