i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
