Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
