saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
