remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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