Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion