I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
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ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
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Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.