I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
