I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
