I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
How does one acquire holy water?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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