Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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